July is such a great month! We know it is full on summer and I love summertime and the heat! I love all of the fresh produce you can buy, I love hanging out with my family more often and I love all of those great Bar-B-Ques! But July also stirs up a lot of really hard, faith trying and sad days! Days that are full of questions that have no real answers. It also brings a lot of tender mercies that make me feel..... I mean really feel! We are all so busy with our lives and our to do lists and our kids to do lists, that we often don't take the time to get in touch with ourselves and let ourselves just feel, happy or sad or mad or just completely unsure. It's actually pretty ironic that I lost my brother in July and I also had one of the hardest things I have had to go through happen in July, 4 years before he passed away which he helped me get through.
So today is Saturday at 10:30 in the morning and I am still in my pj's, in my bed and on my laptop. I was sitting her reflecting on a memory that happened July 9, 2008; how did 8 years just happen, I don't think I have every really written about this day and I feel inspired to blog about it, which I haven't done either in a very long time. I feel like it happened yesterday and I remember every second of it!
On July 8th at about 7:30 in the evening I received a text from my cousin, "I love you and thank you". I thought it very strange to randomly receive this text on Tuesday night, I was in the middle of teaching a First Aid class to our Young Women for their upcoming girls camp. I broke free from the class and went out in the hall to call her. We spoke briefly, I could tell that her spirits were down but that had been the case for quite a few months. We had been talking on the phone for hours and hours for a few weeks; she was broken and desperately needed a friend. This was my cousin that was about 4 years older than me and as a girl I completely idolized! She lived in California, was a cheerleader, tan and gorgeous! Her confidence level was high and she was always happy, she was in fact the one that told me about the birds and the bees; thank goodness someone told me, because I was completely clueless! We spent a week together every year down at Newport Beach and I was always so happy when the big kids would include me in anything they were doing! But fast forward 25 years and this same cousin was sad and broken, life had chewed her up and spit her out! But I knew what was inside of her and I knew her happy self; I wanted to try desperately to help her find that young and carefree, happy, confident-self again. When we spoke on the phone we planned to go to a movie the next day, I felt like I needed to give her something to look forward to the next day. Why did I need to do that for her.....because her life had been one trial after another, with nothing going her way! I had just been with her that very week to a court date about getting custody of her children back. They were mean and curt with her and if I could go back to that day there would have been many things I would have stood up and said on her behalf; I can only say that now because fast forward my life 8 years and I am pretty much done with just taking it from people! I really don't care what your degree or profession is! Because I have learned that though I may not have a degree or high position, I CARE.... I mean I really care about those that are getting walked on and hurt because people in higher power think that they can get away with more than they ever should. But I cannot rewind, I can only be on my game for the next time I witness such a horrible incident! The words that were spoken to her will forever stay in my brain, "You are living your life to get your children back, that is not going to happen....you need to start creating a new life for yourself without your children." These words spoken to a MOTHER..... a MOTHER! That day sitting there in that stuffy room next to her, I did not realize the grave words that were being spoken. To my sweet, already broken cousin.... the man that spoke those words took the last thing she had on this earth away from her, HOPE! Without Hope for a better tomorrow, a brighter day, a happier time.... she had nothing! Only now do I realize the importance of HOPE in all of our lives!
I feel I must give some background on what got my cousin into this dark place. Being the fitness girl that she was one day while at the gym she fell and broke her hip. She had to have surgery in it to have it replaced. Of course like all surgeries this brought on some pain but her pain seemed to go on longer than most. She needed more and more pain pills and felt like something was wrong. She went to doctor after doctor but no one would help her all the while the need for more pain pills, more sleep and less parenting became a way of life. Being a single mom she was trying to do it all but with these unexpected health issues things started to fall apart fast. Finally, she found a doctor that would help her. Help her with her hip but not help her with her dependency on pain pills or the fact that her children had now had a whole list of their own problems to deal with and the State was now very much a part of all of their lives and none of the children were living with her. The doctor found that her hip had been put in upside down which was causing her an extreme amount of pain; so were the pain pills warranted: YES! But none of this really mattered to the State apparently.
Back to July 9, 2008: I woke up and called my cousin about going to a movie, no answer. I continued trying for the next 3 hours and then I went outside and my oldest son Trevin was out riding around on an electric scooter and I went outside and asked if he wanted to go for a ride with me. My cousin did not live very far so we both grabbed a scooter to ride over there and check on her. We drove into her apartment complex and their sitting in her parking spot was her little car, my heart sank. I felt the darkest cloud come over me and I knew that nothing was right about that. I went and knocked on her door and then her bedroom window, with no response. I knew what was about to happen next was going to be more than I could handle on my own or that my son should have to help me get through so I called John and told him to come. When he arrived he knocked even harder and louder than us, I was afraid he was going to break the window.
And then something inside me took over; I was calm and knew exactly what to do. I calmly walked to the front office, I remember feeling like I was 3 steps behind my body, it was as if I was not the one walking or doing the talking, never since that day have I every had this feeling before. I stated that my cousin had been ill and that I came over to check on her but she was not answering her door so could they please help me. They got the maintenance guy to meet me back at her apartment, John went in with him and found just what I was afraid had happened, my sweet cousin was gone. She had taken her own life. She could not bear the fact of living a life without her children in it, she was tired of fighting the fight and she wanted to go back home to her Heavenly home. Her journey on this earth had come to an end. The next few hours seemed to go by quick and so slow all at the same time. The police, paramedics and fire department all came; the apartment complex was filled with chaos and I sat outside on the grass trying to figure out what was happening around me. Then out of the blue her son showed up; he had taken a bus to come over and visit her. We had to tell him what had just taken place. He was upset, emotional and at a complete loss as what to do next, we all were. Next I needed to call her parents, my sister, my brother and anyone else that needed to know. All of a sudden my plate was full and I was feeling pretty over-whelmed. When I finally got home, I realized that my quick scooter ride turned into a 5 hour ordeal. I was exhausted, my friend had brought some food over to feed my kids. I had a few bites and went to bed, what an emotionally draining day. The next day I was awakened by a call from some sort of donation bank, they were unable to get a hold of her parents who were now travelling to Utah. They were asking if we would like to donate anything like corneas and a few other things that at this point still be donated but time was running out. Wow, what a heavy question; I was completely clueless as to how she felt about donation. I opted to say yes but only because that is my belief, not hers or anyone else's. I can only hope that is what she would want. When her parents arrived I could see the pain in their eyes and feel of their utter sadness. They were also broken-hearted. The next few days seem to be a blur, I remember a family get together here at our home that was nice. It's always nice to see family we haven't seen since the last funeral. Her funeral was nice but my heart was so sad.
I so desperately wanted to help her out of the darkness that she was in. I wanted her to be able to see that brighter days would come and that she could look forward to happier times. I had been spending so much time and energy on talking to her and really loved our talks! But now all I had was a lot of empty time that would never be filled with our talks anymore. I am thankful for that precious time I had with her, it was filled with such sweetness. I would tell her how much I loved her every time we spoke and that just felt good. I know she is in place where she can be happy and free, a place that a loving, kind and gently Heavenly Father and Mother are present. She is in a place where every word and every action is full of love and kindness. She no longer is in pain physically or emotionally. The pain that she left behind is real and I know that probably makes her sad and I know that she can now see how many people loved her in this life and thought so highly of her and really truly miss her. Life is rough, you never know who is going through what! This experience has helped me to grow tremendously; I have more compassion for others. I look at others to see if I can see that same pain she had in her eyes and sometimes I see it. Many are hurting and many just need someone to be a little softer and a little kinder and a little more accepting of them. I can only take what I learned from her and do my part in this world to help others.
Suicide is so full of hurt; the one that is hurting, the ones that are left behind. It breaks us all and we are all left with so many unanswered questions. There is no real closure; only HOPE for a brighter day when we can once again be reunited and let that person know how much we love them and how much we have missed them! HOPE that we can help anyone else who may be hurting along the way and HOPE that we can find peace, love and happiness daily!
I debated on putting this in....think of it as an outtake like at the movies:
I was so use to calling my cousin all the time and it was really sad that I couldn't; so a few weeks after she passed away I got really sad and decided to call her cell phone; of course I only got a generic voicemail but I left a message anyway. In fact for about a week I left a few messages. Then one day I called and someone answered! I was shocked and quickly hung up, obviously upset and shocked my husband questioned me on what was going on. So I had to explain my craziness! Then the phone rang back, I was not going to answer it so John did. He asked the woman who she was and she said "I just want to know who has been calling my husband!" by her tone she was not happy and he was obviously in hot water! She did not appreciate the "I love you and I miss you" messages that I had been leaving on what I thought was my cousins voicemail. Of course my husband felt so bad for some guy that was about to get beat and thrown out, so he explained it all to the lady on the other end; really I am not sure what happened after that but we still get a good laugh out of my craziness!
